An empty bucket, tears, and an empty heart.

This morning I went hunting for morel mushrooms over by my friend Cheryl's. I took a day of vacation because work seems to be bringing me down lately, and since mom is up north, I figured I could use a day of me-time. So this is my first time morel hunting. I went down the horse fenceline and into the woods. What a beautiful morning to be in the woods. No bugs, crisp but warm in the sun, and nature singing around me. I missed the woods, and was happy to be there. As I walked the trails, I remembered my sweet Leah, and how we rode through there a number of times, both by ourselves and with others. It was a very happy time in my life. I remember being cautious, but not terrified like I now feel. I don't understand what happened to me.

Then, as I came out of the woods with an empty bucket, I approached the site where Leah and Honey are buried. I realized I hadn't been there to "visit" since they were buried there - which will be two years in June. I was mad at myself, and burst into tears. I cried and told them how much I love them, how much I miss them, and how sorry I am for failing them - Leah more-so than Honey. I should have trusted her more. I didn't know what I had until it was gone. And I LOVED her. Truly LOVED her. I haven't felt that way about another horse. She was my angel. And I blew it. I cried and cried there for a long time. I cried all the way up the hill. Nicki stopped by to let Coupe out, and I was embarrassed that I was all puffy-eyed. I couldn't even contain it when I talked to her - I broke down again.

She reassured me that she's scared a lot of the time, too. She encouraged me just to do little bits. I'm going to keep going with that, and leasing Freckles. But until God puts that perfect horse in my lap, if he ever does, I'm not searching. I can't, and I won't. Sometimes I just want to give up, but then I know I DON'T want to give up. I drive myself crazy inside sometimes with wondering what to do. I need to remember to lay my worries at God's feet and let them go. AND, seriously, if this is ALL I have to worry about, I should be ashamed of myself. People are hurting and starving. And I am not one of those people, obviously.

So I will keep plugging on and do what I can do, and be happy with that. That's my goal.

Stable - no pun intended!

So it's been awhile since I've posted. Many emotions later, I think I'm at a stable point now where I'm OK not owning a horse. I am riding Freckles, and Stacy and I are going to try out a temporary short-term lease. This past Saturday I went for a short ride with Stacy (on Sadie) and Cheryl (on Texas) just around Cheryl's property. Since Sadie and Frecks had not met Texas yet, they were both being yotches to him, kicking him and pinning ears. That set the stage for a nervous ride for me. It was bad. I wanted to get off - I think I just felt so out of control that I felt safer on the ground. I turned to Stace and Cheryl and said "Now I remember EXACTLY why I sold my horse." They convinced me to stay on, but I was DONE with the ride. I felt awful. I feel like all I ever do is ruin other people's rides. They both assured me that was NOT the case. They are true friends. Cheryl said "if we have to do this 3 times a week for the whole summer, then that's what we'll do!" That's what a true friend says to someone.

The following day I went and hung out with Frecks. Cheryl called me early in the day and told me I needed to come and hop on again, if even just for 5 minutes. I didn't want to, but later in the day I did. I didn't ride, because by the time I got over there Cheryl was doing homework and I didn't want to get on by myself yet. Dumb. But I brushed her - and mind you, I only ground tie her and she does fantastic! It takes so little to get her to do what I ask her to do, and that is wonderful! I just need to remember that when she's got dancy-prancy feet when I'm in the saddle! So, I walked her out around the road. At first she was nervous and snorty, but the second time I took her around, head was low, and she was paying attention to ME, not her surroundings. So I need to focus on that for now.

I'm glad I didn't buy her - well, she wasn't for sale anyway!! But if she would have been, I would have bought her. I'm glad I'm kind of on this break. It feels more and more like it's going to turn into a permanent "break" for me. And that's ok. It feels good to have that extra money every month. And, not to be so pressured into HAVING to go and do something with my horse. Who knows how it will turn out. If/when God puts that perfect horse in my lap, things will be different. But until that happens, and it's 100% clear that THAT is what I should be doing, I'm going to be happy and enjoy my current situation. Something I haven't done in a loooonnnnngggg time - ENJOY horses.

BELIEVE.

"If God gives you the ability to dream it, he gives you the ability to achieve it. Just Believe."

Things are rarely what they seem.

How badly I want to understand. I want to understand why I've made so many bad decisions. I want to understand why Leah died. I know that I need to trust GOD and not ask why. I have to meditate on that, because wondering why is just killing me. Now I feel like Freckles is the perfect horse for me, and I wonder why I didn't buy her back when Stacy was going to sell her to me for $1500. Now she doesn't want to sell her, and if she did, it would be for like $3,000. It makes my heart so very sad. I said I wouldn't get another horse, and boy did I ever mean it after going through what I just went through.

But now. Now I found true happiness with Freckles - like the true happiness I had with Leah. And I can't have her. Is she not the only one out there? Is she just here for me now to know that I CAN do this?