The best ride yet!

A beautiful, calm fall day. I spent most of it in my pajamas doing a combination of housework and nothing. :) I got dinner going and decided it was time to go see my boy. I just love spending time with him. He just about fell asleep while I was grooming him - I love that. I narrowed down the dancing to not the saddling part, but cinching. As soon as I brought the cinch up under his belly, he started to move around. So, I took it slower than I ever have. I tried to imagine what he must be thinking and feeling. So I just got it on and petted him a whole lot. I went very very slow and he did good. I took him in the round pen, because we needed to do a little work and respect. He did really well. He's so smart, and he just wants to please - he really does. After lunging him for awhile I tightened up the saddle again. After that I lunged him again, and he got a tad bit sassy and did a few little bucks TOWARD me. Well, let's just say I got him loping about as fast as he could! I let him go around about 3 times like that and then brought him in. He got that message real quick. So, I was ready to take him out of the round pen. I wanted to take him up the right drive and around. He walked very carefully, stopping and looking around a lot. I just remembered that I prayed my fear would turn in to faith. And, then I just continued to ask, and praise praise praise when he would take a step. We did that as long as we needed to, and I remained completely calm through the whole thing. He didn't act silly or naughty or anything, so I think that made me comfortable. After quite a bit of nudging and waiting, he finally took off in to a steady walk. It was great! Instead of going back down the driveway and up on the hill, I took him through Chad's yard and out around the fire pit for awhile. I pushed myself and him lightly, and we did fantastic. I can't tell you how proud of him I am!!! He just makes me so darn happy I thank God that He gave him to me. So we went back up the hill, because I wanted to take him all the way down the hill and fight that fear of mine. Well, something over there stresses him out completely. He did not want to go. So, I did the same thing and kept asking and praising. The great thing is I never even once thought about giving up or getting off, or never was scared. This is so fantastically wonderful - I wish winter wasn't so close. :)

On another note, on Facebook today Moriah posted pics of her, Mackenzie and Tracy out on a ride. Brandi looks good - they all look good. I commented that they all look good. Who knows what they'll think or say about it, but it's ok, whatever it is. It's the truth, and I just want them to know I hold no grudge and I forgive.

Cocoa Puff Reyes, I love you dearly!

In a hurry to go somewhere? NOPE!

Tonight Cocoa had the worried eyes. :) He was a little skittish - not crazy or dumb, but just not his normal relaxed self. He was pretty naughty when I put the saddle on, though. OK, he was mildly naughty. I made sure I cinched slowly, but he danced around a lot, so I made him move his feet. I walked him around the driveway, on the road and back around the other drive. I went back down to the barn to get on, and he did pretty good. He wasn't too thrilled about going... he had that fast step with the head bobbing and looking here there and everywhere. I would stop him and praise him for being good, but it's the first time I had to put him in a circle and he spun about 8 times before stopping. I was glad I didn't freak out, but I know I was gripping with my legs tighter than I should have been. We ended on a good note, where I wanted to, so that was a good thing. I trust him so much, and I want him to trust me. But I also told him we are in no hurry, and we will go at a pace that works for both of us.

I have to admit, it's a little eerie at the farm with no one at all there. It's just weird. I so prefer when someone is there! :) The Dettlaf girl from down the road was riding her horse when I drove by. I wonder if she'd ever like to ride with me. I miss having someone to go anywhere with. My next thing to pray for, I guess. :) Either way, I will always love my Cocoa Puff, and we are gonna keep making strides forward. Love, love, love him!

That perfect horsey smell!

Tonight I did lots of snuggling in to Cocoa's neck and taking in big whiffs of his wonderful smell. :)  He is fantastic. Have I mentioned how much I love this boy? Oh. Sorry. Tonight we walked down the hill to the woods and even walked in to the woods a ways. He did great! He looks around a lot but he doesn't act stupid. He stopped a few times but with some gentle coaxing, he came right along! He trusts me!!! I love that boy!!! It gets dark earlier and earlier now but I'm determined to squeeze out every drop of time with him that I can!!! LOVE!!!

Snap, crackle and POP!

So I finally had to break down and go to the chiropractor today. :) I think I had a pinched nerve in my back which was going down my leg when I'd stand up. Nothing major, but it was annoying! Crack crack, and I'm fixed! I am so pleased that I turned out ok after falling. I was a little worried, but not freaking out about it. :) I hung with Cocoa a few days without riding, mainly because of being short on time. But just hanging out with him makes me happy. Just thinking about him makes me happy!

So I have been wanting to take a painting class for some time now. Today, I found one at Hobby Lobby next week! I registered, and will send my $$ in tomorrow. I'm so excited, because I really really really really really want to paint a pic of Cocs for my living room! I may be enlisting the help of an interior designer/artist, but I have to see how much it will cost first. I just know I can paint!! I've done it in small doses before and loved it, I just need to have someone help me get to the next step of doing BIG projects! I found a 60" wide by 48" tall canvas a Hobby Lobby, and I want to use that as a center piece, and then two 36" by 48" sides to create a main piece. Not sure yet what I'm going to do, but I'm anxious to do something! The thought went through my head today that I should be an artist! LOL! I totally could - have you SEEN some of the stuff out there that passes for art?! Being on the art committee at work has really exposed me to a lot of cool stuff. And a lot of weird stuff. :) Next year I want to have a booth at the AGES fundraiser and sell my paintings. I think I will do silhouettes, and then I think I'll paint some ceramic horses and display them. Hopefully I'll get some custom work from it. Hmm, guess I should make some business cards and brochures, too! But at the same time, I don't want to make it where I'm so busy I don't get to do anything else. BURNOUT. No thanks!

Oh well, I could go on and on, but I have a party to get to. Well, Diva's night in downtown West Bend. It's sort of a party! ;) Ciao!

It's all good!

Well, I will officially have a bruised hinder tomorrow! I was sooo cool, that I just rode Cocoa with the bareback pad. First, I couldn't get it tightened quite right, then I kinda kept slipping but I was NOT afraid. We rode up, around the camper, into the round pen, around the round pen, out of the pen, back around the camper, back down the hill toward the barn to finish up. When I type it like that, it sounds like we rode for 3 minutes. It was at least 20. :) So anyway, we were walking down the hill, I was taking him back to the barn to put him away. Well, the pad slipped and off I went! :) It of course hurt at first - I landed right on my tailbone/butt. I just laid there for a bit and let it wear off a little, then got up. My sweet little boy was just standin' there, waitin' for me. :) I love him so much!!! I'm fine!! I took some ibuprofin, iced, and even tho it'll hurt tomorrow and I'll go see Dr. Schuetz, I will be just fine!! I had absolutely no fear, NONE. It had nothing to do with Coc's... it was all me. :) Well, every cowgirl falls, so I consider this my rite of passage, and thankfully it was as easy as it was!

Love you, Cocoa!!!!!!!!!!! xoxoxoxox

Bareback and fancy free

Third day in a row I, me, Charlotte Ann, rode bareback? YOU BETCHA, BABY! Now don't go thinking I went like on a 2 hour trail ride BB or something, :) it was just around the farm. BUT, it's something I would not have done so easily before. In fact, I don't know if I ever even got on Brandi sans saddle, and I know I never did with Texas. Leah I did, but it was kinda scary at the time. Anyway, Cocoa was really good to me. I love that boy so much. I am so happy at how we're bonding, and how each day I feel closer and closer to him. He has stolen my heart. :)

I hung out while he ate grass - I like taking him over to enjoy some lush snackin' while I'm with him. I love the sound of him eating, and I love watching him. If I click to him, he will turn my way, which I think is just the coolest. He watches me if I walk away, too. We are becoming true partners. I took some pics of him with my phone, but they are not as great as if I'd taken them with my camera. But, Jill is coming out on Sunday to take pics of us together. I'm really excited for that. She took some really cool pics of me & Brandi, and me & Tex, but this is different. I. Can't. Wait.

So I am enjoying what's left of the beautiful weather, and the quickly fading daylight. I thought to myself that I wish I could have gotten him earlier in the summer, but God's timing is perfect timing. I don't think I was ready anyway. :) If we are blessed with a mild winter like last year's I will be a-o-k. :)

OH, and when I got there, he came to me!! He came so far, then stopped and ate grass, but when I turned and walked around the corner to see if the water trough was over there, he came galloping to me!! My heart beats faster...

Cocoa, my heart is yours! I love you so much, handsome boy!!!

My perfect pony. :)

I'm so darn happy! :) I had a great ride on Cocoa tonight, and Stacy was riding Sambra. We hung around the yard/campfire pit, but my confidence builds and grows EVERY time I am on him! The other thing that was totally awesome about tonight is that I hopped on without using a bucket or stool or anything! :)  It helps that he's a shorty, but I think I'm learning how to do it right finally! :)  Last night I went up and brushed him and loved on him, and then took him over by the firepit to munch grass. While he was munching, I hopped on bareback!! I would NEVER have done that with any of my other horses ... maybe Leah, but I never did. It made me so happy!! We walked around a little, and he listened really well! I LOVE that little boy!!!

I am learning that he listens to me, and even though he may throw a tiny "testing" moment in, if I nudge him forward with an ask, he responds to me really well! He might not be totally 100% confident, but the more I maintain my confidence the better he responds, and then the more he trusts me. :) I know it sounds so simple, but if you could experience it the way I am, you'd totally understand. He's starting to understand that I will not take him into a dangerous situation.

I just need to keep my chin up and keep trying, and keeping praying and trusting God that in order to have those breakthroughs, I need to go THROUGH. I did that lots tonight, and that makes me pretty happy!

How did we end our ride? We ended it in almost darkness (totally cool!), with me hopping back on and riding him down the hill to the barn, because he was refusing to walk with me leading him. But he walked down great and trusted me. How much better can it get than that?! After I untacked him, I walked him a little ways down the hill where he freaks out. Each time we go a little further. It's good for both of us, and we're both doing GREAT!

I love you, Cocoa Puff, and you will be my pony soulmate for all of our days! <3

I'm just sayin'...

If a little kid can learn to ride a horse like that, SO CAN I!

An intense happiness!

Well, the saddle fits! Yeah! Cheryl helped me out, and we ended up going with the existing pad I had, and adding a buck strap. YES! And, of course my Cocoa Puff did fantabulous with the buck strap. Soooo happy!! I've ridden him several times now and I'm really happy when I'm on him. I've only been around the yard, and down the driveways and down the road. Rachel rode him last week across the road in the field, and he did so good for her too! When Cheryl was helping me with the saddle fit, she trotted on him and SHE. WAS. ADORABLE. She looks so darn cute on him! :) And, that saddle. It is just awesome. It's light, it's pretty, and it's sooo comfortable! And it looks great on him.

I know I sound like a broken record, but really, he is just awesome. He is so sweet and patient, and he just seems to get me. He is exactly what I prayed for - he is no doubt 100% the answer to my prayers. I am so, so thankful God gave him to me. My heart goes pitter-patter just when I think of him. :) I love hugging him, smelling his perfect horsey-smell, kissing his awesome soft nose, and just being around him. He's the best.

Last night I rode him and had THE best ride on him that I've had so far. We again just went around the yard, the firepit, and in front of the house through the driveways. But the whole time, I was completely comfortable. I was happy to go around, and I can feel that I am slowly but surely gaining confidence and pushing my boundaries, little by little. :) Stacy was awesome, too, constantly checking on me making sure I'm ok. :) Stacy was on Freckles and Nicki rode Gus. It was really nice to have people to ride with. What a blessing! I was relaxed, and I focused on where we were going, and not on every flinch that happened along the way. :) I love my little Cocoa, and I hope he knows how much my heart swells with happiness when I am with him and when I think of him!

If the saddle fits...

Well, I'm sure hoping it will! :) Saturday I took a trip up to Manitowoc to Horsey Habit and got myself and Cocoa (via a photo) fitted for a saddle. It's beautiful, and super comfortable! I rode him in it on Monday, and it felt great. Now I just need to try it with two more pads and see if it works with those. Cheryl is helping me which I am very thankful for. I love that I have no pressure to do anything specific with Cocoa. No one telling me how many days a week I should ride, no one putting expectations... I mean, I know it wasn't malicious or anything, but it stressed me out more than I even knew at the time. Anyway, I look forward to hopping on my awesome super-pony tonight again!! LOVE HIM!

Those eyessssssssss.....

The last chapter - rewritten!

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my GOSH!!!! He's here! The one I prayed for!! Cocoa Puff is here, and I love him to pieces! More to follow!

Closing a chapter...

Last week Al and I had a heart to heart. I realized that I had been putting too much of my time and energy in to things other than my family and our relationships. Maybe I was running from them - well, probably not maybe. The talk happened in such a weird way that I know it was an answer to my prayers. Well what I realized was that I took a passion - horses - and went overboard. When it wasn't working out for me the way I wanted, I would obsess. When it WAS working out for me, I would obsess. I just always had other things on my mind, and everything else was second fiddle. Not very nice. So, I decided that I need to close the horse chapter. So far, I'm ok with it. It does hurt and make me sad, but obviously my husband and family are a million times more important than any hobby. Besides, how many women WANT their husbands to be just like mine? I have every reason to refocus and realign my priorities. So, that is where I'm at. Sadly, though, tonight I was watching some video that Jill took of me riding Brandi and Texas, and I found myself with a huge smile on my face while riding Brandi, (well, and Texas!) and sadness in my heart. Maybe I'm closing this chapter, but it doesn't mean that an upcoming chapter will not include horses in it. I am just trying to stay in God's supernatural rest, and trust and listen to him. Whatever will happen will happen, and it will be in his time, not mine. Now, off to bed to probably dream about Leah. :)

An empty bucket, tears, and an empty heart.

This morning I went hunting for morel mushrooms over by my friend Cheryl's. I took a day of vacation because work seems to be bringing me down lately, and since mom is up north, I figured I could use a day of me-time. So this is my first time morel hunting. I went down the horse fenceline and into the woods. What a beautiful morning to be in the woods. No bugs, crisp but warm in the sun, and nature singing around me. I missed the woods, and was happy to be there. As I walked the trails, I remembered my sweet Leah, and how we rode through there a number of times, both by ourselves and with others. It was a very happy time in my life. I remember being cautious, but not terrified like I now feel. I don't understand what happened to me.

Then, as I came out of the woods with an empty bucket, I approached the site where Leah and Honey are buried. I realized I hadn't been there to "visit" since they were buried there - which will be two years in June. I was mad at myself, and burst into tears. I cried and told them how much I love them, how much I miss them, and how sorry I am for failing them - Leah more-so than Honey. I should have trusted her more. I didn't know what I had until it was gone. And I LOVED her. Truly LOVED her. I haven't felt that way about another horse. She was my angel. And I blew it. I cried and cried there for a long time. I cried all the way up the hill. Nicki stopped by to let Coupe out, and I was embarrassed that I was all puffy-eyed. I couldn't even contain it when I talked to her - I broke down again.

She reassured me that she's scared a lot of the time, too. She encouraged me just to do little bits. I'm going to keep going with that, and leasing Freckles. But until God puts that perfect horse in my lap, if he ever does, I'm not searching. I can't, and I won't. Sometimes I just want to give up, but then I know I DON'T want to give up. I drive myself crazy inside sometimes with wondering what to do. I need to remember to lay my worries at God's feet and let them go. AND, seriously, if this is ALL I have to worry about, I should be ashamed of myself. People are hurting and starving. And I am not one of those people, obviously.

So I will keep plugging on and do what I can do, and be happy with that. That's my goal.

Stable - no pun intended!

So it's been awhile since I've posted. Many emotions later, I think I'm at a stable point now where I'm OK not owning a horse. I am riding Freckles, and Stacy and I are going to try out a temporary short-term lease. This past Saturday I went for a short ride with Stacy (on Sadie) and Cheryl (on Texas) just around Cheryl's property. Since Sadie and Frecks had not met Texas yet, they were both being yotches to him, kicking him and pinning ears. That set the stage for a nervous ride for me. It was bad. I wanted to get off - I think I just felt so out of control that I felt safer on the ground. I turned to Stace and Cheryl and said "Now I remember EXACTLY why I sold my horse." They convinced me to stay on, but I was DONE with the ride. I felt awful. I feel like all I ever do is ruin other people's rides. They both assured me that was NOT the case. They are true friends. Cheryl said "if we have to do this 3 times a week for the whole summer, then that's what we'll do!" That's what a true friend says to someone.

The following day I went and hung out with Frecks. Cheryl called me early in the day and told me I needed to come and hop on again, if even just for 5 minutes. I didn't want to, but later in the day I did. I didn't ride, because by the time I got over there Cheryl was doing homework and I didn't want to get on by myself yet. Dumb. But I brushed her - and mind you, I only ground tie her and she does fantastic! It takes so little to get her to do what I ask her to do, and that is wonderful! I just need to remember that when she's got dancy-prancy feet when I'm in the saddle! So, I walked her out around the road. At first she was nervous and snorty, but the second time I took her around, head was low, and she was paying attention to ME, not her surroundings. So I need to focus on that for now.

I'm glad I didn't buy her - well, she wasn't for sale anyway!! But if she would have been, I would have bought her. I'm glad I'm kind of on this break. It feels more and more like it's going to turn into a permanent "break" for me. And that's ok. It feels good to have that extra money every month. And, not to be so pressured into HAVING to go and do something with my horse. Who knows how it will turn out. If/when God puts that perfect horse in my lap, things will be different. But until that happens, and it's 100% clear that THAT is what I should be doing, I'm going to be happy and enjoy my current situation. Something I haven't done in a loooonnnnngggg time - ENJOY horses.

BELIEVE.

"If God gives you the ability to dream it, he gives you the ability to achieve it. Just Believe."

Things are rarely what they seem.

How badly I want to understand. I want to understand why I've made so many bad decisions. I want to understand why Leah died. I know that I need to trust GOD and not ask why. I have to meditate on that, because wondering why is just killing me. Now I feel like Freckles is the perfect horse for me, and I wonder why I didn't buy her back when Stacy was going to sell her to me for $1500. Now she doesn't want to sell her, and if she did, it would be for like $3,000. It makes my heart so very sad. I said I wouldn't get another horse, and boy did I ever mean it after going through what I just went through.

But now. Now I found true happiness with Freckles - like the true happiness I had with Leah. And I can't have her. Is she not the only one out there? Is she just here for me now to know that I CAN do this?

Turning the page.

WHAT a day. So many things have happened, one of which involves Brandi. Yesterday I emailed Tracy to see how they were doing, and to say hello. I also took the opportunity to ask if she'd had anything in mind for payment on Brandi. Mind you, it's been 6 weeks since I sold Texas, and when I told her I was selling him I asked her if she would pay me out for Brandi. She said sure. Well, since then, she's not made any attempt to contact me about Brandi - or anything.

Her response in my inbox this morning was that she hoped that I could bear with her because their 4-wheeler broke down and would cost about $1,000 to fix and she's trying to pay off her hay guy. OK. Then she went on to say that HONESTLY, she wouldn't have "taken" Brandi had she known she'd have to pay out cash for her. Um, you didn't "take" her, you "bought" her, like I didn't "take" Texas, I bought him. So then she said she can't break Mackenzie's heart, so she hoped I'd be understanding. Me, understanding? I have been nothing BUT! When have I ever not been understanding or nice or giving or go out of my way for them!?!?!?! REALLY???

Oh, I feel sooooo taken advantage of. In soooo many ways. Let's just see what else we can take Charlotte for... I can't believe I let this happen to me again. It's been a loooong time since someone's crossed me like this. I trusted and believed and had faith in her as a good person. I guess that's why God says trust not in men.

So Al and I have gone over this for over an hour, and we went back and forth as to whether or not we'd just go pick Brandi up. At first I wanted to, with the thought that maybe I would keep her. Then almost as fast as the thought came, it left. I sold her for a reason - we did not get along. What would be different? Brandi is still Brandi, and I'm still me. I still don't want to fight with her, and I still don't want to commit to the time she needs to keep her ridable. So no, I will not be going to get Brandi. She is in a good home and I am thankful for that - and that is what's most important to me. Instead, I'm going to offer up that she pay me two payments of $150 each - one in April and one in May - and we'll call it even. That's a $360 BREAK, friends. She is getting a really f------ good horse for $300. I sunk a lot in to her on top of that, so she's coming out smelling like a rose for sure.

Whether or not I'll speak my peace once I get (or don't get) the $300 I haven't decided yet. I need to forgive, but man, it's hard! I wanted this horse thing so badly, but all it's done is cost me money and heartache.

I'm done.

I may - MAY - ask Stacy if she'll lease me Freckles for like $50 a month. I'm not even sure I'm going to do that.

Al said to me after our conversation tonight - Please don't buy another horse. And I said - Don't worry, I won't. And I mean that.

Speaking of Al and conversation, he offered to go a little nuts on them and get Brandi. I was flattered by his wanting to protect me and make it right for me. :) My brut of a husband. :) He said within an hour of a conversation with them he'd have a trailer over there to get her, and I don't one bit doubt him. He is a force to be reckoned with sometimes! He also asked if I wanted him to go have a conversation with Gene. I told him no, it's not between him and Gene, it's between me and Tracy. Besides, Al would end up knocking Gene out and getting arrested, and I don't need THAT stress on top of everything else. And I'm not being sarcastic or joking - he really would. I know him too well.

So I'll be sending an email with my payment expectations tomorrow. We'll see what kind of response I get. Ultimately, I'm turning the page right now on something that has taught me a huge lesson. I hope it's gotten to her conscience - if the tables were turned, it'd be a "business transaction" and she'd expect payment. She should walk the walk since she can talk the talk.

Some things may be better left unsaid

Last night was another gorgeous night! I met Stacy over by Cheryl's, and we played with Freckles. I brushed her out and picked hooves, and she was again terrific. I am impressed that I had her ground-tied the entire time!!! Even when I left to get tack and tacked up - ground-tied!! She is a really, really smart girl. I think Tracy would say she's the kind of horse that is looking to stay OUT of trouble. She is very responsive when I ask something of her, which is fantastic. I ask politely first, and if she doesn't respond, I increase the pressure. When she responds, I praise her. WOW! How simple is that!?!?! LOVING IT!

On a side note, got my handy stick from CA yesterday - all pink - LOVE. IT!

So I tacked her up and took her to lunge in the round pen before hopping on. She did good - there was one point where she "got stuck" so I increased pressure to push her in to a canter, and she whipped out one or two little bucks. :) Then she settled in and did what I asked without attitude. I got on, rode around a bit, and felt that she's still limping. Stacy said she wonders if she's just stiff from not being worked, but I think she needs to be looked at. I asked her if she wanted to have the vet out, and she said not yet. I have to respect that - she's not my horse. I just remember not to ask much of her and she'll be ok.

As we were talking, Stacy said she wanted to lay it out there for me that she is NOT in the market to sell Freckles. I told her that was good, because I'm not in the market to buy a horse right now. But I did tell her that if she told me right now that she wanted to sell Freckles, I'm pretty sure (sarcastically meaning there's no doubt) I'd take her off of her hands! :) I would snap that horse up in a heartbeat! But, as the conversation went on, she was saying things like "My goal this summer is to get you confident so you can ride other horses. Freckles is a confidence builder, and she will help you get to the point where you can ride other horses." When I told her I wasn't sure confidence "building" was what I needed, I feel that I need a mellow horse like Freckles, she started talking about how I've had bad experiences, and I need some good ones now to make me confident.

OK, I don't know that I need confidence building. I've kind of been there, done that. After 5 years and how many horses, I think what I need is a trusty mount - one that is in exactly the place Freckles is in. Smart, SUPER-sane, SUPER quiet, the perfect age, the perfect size… I need Freckles. How do I tell her that? Or DO I tell her that? I hate that now this has kind of thrown me in to a funk. I feel like "great, now Freckles will be taken away from me, too." Dumb thought. Really!?! It's March, and you JUST started riding again! How about I sit back, relax, ENJOY Freckles, and if I get to a point where I'm riding 2-3 times a week, I can work out a lease with Stacy. I know she's not going to up and sell Freckles to someone else - so I need to stop being in this funk. Really, maybe Freckles and I will forge such a bond that Stacy will be ok selling her to me. Heck, maybe I don't want to buy her! Maybe I just lease and let her take care of the vet, hooves, etc. I just pay and ride, that's all. Although if I fall in love with her, like I am, I will most likely want to have her as my own.

I guess I'll have to wait and see. Too early to tell what will happen. All i know is that I am HAVING FUN again, and it's wonderful! I love this horse. And I do think I want her as my own. OK, getting a little emotional. Gotta go for now!

Is this where I deeply regret not buying her when Stacy was going to sell her for $1,500? I already DO regret it. :( So Hans would sell me any of their three horses. But HE doesn't own Freckles. Hmmm. I cannot question why things happened this way - only trust them to turn out even better. Thanks, Jesus!! :)

She's my baby girl!

Yesterday was a phenomenal day! The weather was gorgeous - mid 60's - and I had a wonderful ride on Frecks! What a great horse! AND, she loves attention and to snuggle. Um hello? This is what I have been wanting for all along! There is one thing - she's limping still. Jen brought up a good point that when I looked at Frecks last fall, she was limping then too. Stace said we'll keep an eye on her and if it continues she'll have the vet out. Well I'm certainly not going to ride her hard, but even just going up the hill I felt bad for her. I might look in to some glucosamine or something for her. As long as I'm not hurting her, I am really comfortable on her!

The neighbor's girlfriend's crazy Weim ran over and Frecks got a little nervous, but it was all good. I turned her in some circles and did some serpentines - yes, I was a bit nervous, but not scared enough to jump off. She was controllable and that was terrific! Then, all by myself, I took her around the property, up the big hill to the road and over around on the road a bit. She did the "turn-in" to the driveways, but I urged her forward - and she hardly gave me any flack at all!!!!!! With some consistent riding, she is not going to be hard to get to go out alone at all. She's a wonderful girl!

Even better - we took a short break from riding when Candi showed up. So, I sat on the step by the milkhouse, and Frecks put her head down by my face so I could pet her nose and snuggle her head!! Send me over the moon! Stace said she LOVES to be loved on. OMG, I believe this is meant to be. So she's not mine - Stacy said I can ride her all summer, and if I wanted to lease her we could work something out! How awesome-cool is that? I would pay for board and brush/ride her, and Stacy pays for hooves, vet, shots, teeth, feed… and I'm getting the best part of the deal! Love and trust and rides from an outstanding horse! I almost can't even believe this is really happening… I SHOULD believe it… I prayed and prayed and put my trust in The Lord, and this is obviously the direction he had me heading to the whole time. A few twists and turns along the way, but I'm only stronger because of them.

Mom came home yesterday afternoon from Mary's and I was telling her about my ride and how wonderful it was and Freckles is, and she says "So did you buy her?" Ummmm, nooooo. She's not for sale, mom. BUT, now that I think about that a bit, if she was for sale I would certainly scoop her up! I guess I've earned a reputation as a compulsive horse buyer? :)

I can't wait to have Jill out to take some pics and some videos of us together. She's the perfect size - not too small but def not too big, she's got such a pretty face, and her forelock and mane are thick and beautiful, as is her tail. I have to make a list of things to get from Fleet Farm - Cowboy Magic is first on the list! :)

It was pretty funny, too, that Hans was there said "I've got three horses for you to pick from, what color do you want?" LOL! Maybe I'll get to learn to ride Sambra after all! BUT, Frecks is my baby girl. :) <3

A bond for the ages?

OK Sambra. She's Hans' Paso Fino... an adorable little Spanish breed. She's about as tall as Brandi was, but more petite and fine boned. She's got the most beautiful long, wavy black forelock, mane and tail. She's solid black - just beautiful! But she's really very skittish. She's incredibly head shy, so you move too fast and she's outta there. Hans got her as part of his divorce... he paid quite a bit for her, and apparently she's got some really good breeding and training. They told me she's shy on the ground, but under saddle she's just a great girl!

I would really love to ride her. I'd love to feel the gait of a Paso, and boy would it be so cool to me if I could form a bond with her! She's kind of my dream horse - at least in the looks department. I don't know if she'd be my dream horse in temperament and personality! She sure does seem sweet. She really wants attention when you're up there - she just doesn't seem confident enough to let you give it to her. Hans said he thinks one of the trainers that worked with her was quite rough - borderline abusive toward her. :( Hearing that really makes me want to try to bond with her even more for some strange reason. I'm guessing my "rescue instinct" kicks in, and I just want her to know she can trust people.

Now that I'll be spending time up by Cheryl, maybe I can spend some time trying to befriend little Sambra. Such a petite little beauty! :)

Pigeon-Toed Beauty

The great thing that's happening with Freckles… so simple, yet so important. I bring her down to the barn to groom - inside or out - and I do not have a fear of her jumping, spooking, exploding, kicking, or in any way shape or form throwing herself in to me and hurting me. That was honestly a fear I had with Texas, sometimes Brandi, and CeCe. I never felt that way with Leah, because I knew she was just going to stand there calmly. There were a few times where she danced around - one time when I took her to a clinic by Tracy, and another time by Tracy when she saw a mule for the first time. But even then, I WAS NOT afraid to be near her. I knew I could check her by her halter, and she'd behave. She was never going to step on me or mow me over. That is how I feel with Freckles. How important it is to not be afraid during that first bit of contact! I don't think I realized that until now; now that I have it again.

I'm a bit concerned about Frecks, though. I took her in the round pen last night to lunge, and she was immediately responsive in to a trot. I worked really hard chasing at her to get her in to a canter, and she wouldn't go. When she did, she broke gait before a full circle, and it was rough getting her back in to it. Do I view that as disrespect, or is there something hurting her? Wimpy me tends to worry too much if it's something hurting her, but then WHAT IF IT IS!? She did not kick, she did not pin her ears, she did not give me any indication that she was going to harm me in any way. So I get her to switch direction, and when driving her clockwise she is not going long before I notice a limp. Sigh. I try to get her in to a canter for a few strides, and I can tell she doesn't want to. Now, Frecks hasn't been ridden in months. Totally out of shape, much like myself. :) So, is she testing to see if I'll MAKE her go in to a canter, or is she hurting? The stickI was using sucked, so I just got off the phone with Clint at Clinton Anderson :) to order my all-pink handy-stick. So excited!!!

When on the phone with Cheryl this morning, I told her about the limp. She asked lots of questions, and I answered honestly - I couldn't really tell if it was her right or left, because I don't think I have enough experience to answer that question confidently. I know it sounds dumb, but I don't. All I know is she was bobbing her head, and one stride was much shorter than the other. So Cheryl told me that Frecks is pigeon-toed, and that might be what's making her "off". When I go this weekend, I will try again and see what happens.

Funny - I thought to myself GREAT, here is this nice horse that I really wanna ride, etc., and she ends up limping. What if she's lame? DUH! What kind of horse would be better for me!? If she ends up lame, I can get her some supplements to help her joints, etc. and as long as she's comfortable, what better horse for me to ride!? Seriously!?! She doesn't have much interest in going fast - that Cheryl told me last year when they took her to Cowgirl Camp! So, why on EARTH would I not want to pursue riding her!? For the plodding around the fields, up and down the road, why wouldn't I be content with that? I don't even really like trotting all that much! Tracy made me do it all the time and I kinda dreaded it. So if I have a horse that wants to walk 99% of the time, it'd be a PERFECT MATCH!

I am looking forward to playing with Frecks this weekend. Cheryl told Stacy that I sold Tex, and Stacy happens to be doing the feeding for Cheryl this weekend while she's gone skiing. So, I think I'm-a-gonna call Stace and ask her if she wants to go for a short ride tomorrow. Depending on how things go, I'm considering buying some boots for Frecks from CA. It certainly can't hurt her, and it's good for ANY horse. I was going to get them for Tex, but never got around to it. I don't want to go and spend lots of money on a horse that isn't mine, but I'm not giving them to Stace, I'm using them. And, if I end up leasing Frecks, what am I losing? Worst case scenario, if everything doesn't work out as planned, I can sell it all on Craig's and at least recoup some of the money. I've thrown money away in WAY worse ways!

So my pity-party of I'm not good enough is over for now. :) We'll see how my rides go with Frecks this weekend. Plus, I am really loving the horses over by Cheryl. Last night Sadie and Chips came over and were snuggling with me. Even Sambra was wanting my attention! She is a pretty little thing! All black, petite, and has the most beautiful wavy black long forelock, mane and tail. The thought even entered my mind that I'd like to try to work with Sambra and get her over her shyness. I just need to remember these are not my horses. But oh, if we could ever be compatible, that would be so cool! A little Paso Fino for me! ;) I couldn't afford her! :P But seriously, Frecks is beautiful, she's a great size, and she's a wonderful soul. And THAT'S what matters most!

Doomed a lesson-taker forever?

So I met Bella. Totally cute, awesome size. But she is not THE ONE. I'm so glad I prepared myself. She was a good little pony - had some pretty good training. Definitely broke. But SASSY. The girl lunged the heck out of her before getting on, because she hadn't been ridden in three weeks. Then she did everything that was asked of her pretty well. I got on, and I instantly tensed up, and the girl saw it. She helped me relax - I'm pretty sure she's given lessons. She was super sweet, and so very patient. I think outside of a horse-selling relationship, we might be friends! :) But I just didn't feel it with Bella. Interestingly, the girl was able to point out why Bella was acting so sassy with me. My reins weren't even at one point, and at another point I wasn't giving enough release to pressure quick enough, and at ANOTHER point, my leg was in contact with her which was confusing her. SHEESH. I thought I was a better rider than that!

So Bella out of the question now, I do question my own abilities. Really!? Do I get down on myself about messing up CeCe, and totally confusing my poor Leah? I don't know!!!! Am I way worse at this than I thought?? I dunno, Cheryl has never taken lessons, nor has Nicki, and they seem to do just fine. Maybe part of it is that they don't feel fear like I do? I know Cheryl doesn't. OK, I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else, but really. How do kids ride successfully then? Is this a sign that I just shouldn't be involved with horses? More praying!

After I dropped Jill off from meeting Bella, I went over by Freckles. Again, she was a sweetie. Easy to catch, calm demeanor, she really reminded me of Leah last night. She stood wonderfully for me as I groomed her. No attitude, and she let me dote on her. LOVED IT! So I took her in the round pen to do some light lunging, figuring OK if I'm going to ride this horse, I should give her a little conditioning beforehand, and myself too. She lunged great, except when I asked her for a canter she didn't do it easily. I saw why after a bit of cantering. She was limping. :( OH NO. So I stopped, but I was sad that after lunging when I came up to her, she felt like she had to take off again. I so badly want to find that balance of "I will ask you to work, but I will love you to pieces". I guess, how do I expect that after two days!?!? Some continued contact with her will be good. She has the sane quiet mind of Leah, I hope she's as forgiving under saddle. BUT, dilemma. How do I tell Cheryl/Stacy that she's limping, and not have them think it's my fault? Ugh. :( And even if they don't think it's my fault, what if they don't have the vet out? Do I even attempt to ride poor Frecks with a lameness issue? No way! So am I stuck again? I guess, this is really not about me at this point, right? Maybe this is the sign to remind me that I do NOT want to contend with vet bills and farrier bills, etc. anymore.

Ugh. I want to write more. I have to write about pretty little Sambra. But not right now. I'll be baaaaaaack! :)

How will I knoooooow?

It's been three weeks now since I've sold Texas, and TOTALLY GOOD with having sold him. I know it was the right thing. How do I know? I don't know - I just... DO. So I'm looking for this exact feeling tomorrow when I go to meet Bella. If I don't feel like I MUST MUST MUST have this very horse right now, I will thank her politely for her time and wish her well, and I WILL LEAVE. I will not feel bad for "wasting" her time, or be talked in to something that isn't divinely perfect. I won't waver and go wellllll, maybe I can fix that, or that's not so bad, or maybe with me she'll be different. Nope. If she's not perfect, forget it.

What's helping me with the bravery? Well, two things really. First, my friend Jill. Second, Freckles. And really, both of them together in "The Plan". So when I started thinking about horse ownership again... 6 days after giving up on Texas... Jill challenged me to take up an offer from my friend Cheryl to ride Freckles when I need a horse fix. She crafted "The Plan", a two-month method of sorts to follow to help me decide whether horse ownership is really what I want. It's broken down by week, with activities and exercises for me to complete. So far, I've written down my feelings, made a pros and cons list for each horse I've owned/ridden, detailing what is absolutely essential to my potential next horse, and what is unacceptable, and tonight, I went to Cheryl's, got Frecks out of the pasture, took her down to the barn and groomed and hung out with her. She was an absolute sweetheart. For a horse that really doesn't know me, she calmly came with me, trusted me, and willingly let me groom her. She had a nice demeanor the whole time. There was a stack of hay covered up with some tarps that were flapping in the wind really hard, and she was not flapped by it at all! It was wonderful. I felt on top of the world when I left.

So, I see that Cheryl has her round pen fixed. That makes me soooo happy - I can't wait to saddle up and take her in there to goof around! I am gonna have a ton of fun in that round pen. :)

Tomorrow is a big day for me. Thankfully my friend Jill is going with me. She'll keep me grounded. And, I haven't forgotten the freedom of no boarding expense, no vet bills, etc. Though when you have a perfect partner, it's worth every last penny.

Back on the 'coaster?

I don't like roller coasters. The amusement park rides OR the emotional rides. Errrgh!

So OK, the Texas sale is about to take place, and I'm truly good with that! But yesterday, and I don't even KNOW how I found this site, I find a rescue/re-homing place in Harshaw, WI. They have horses for sale, adoption, and rehoming. Just so happens, a local camp is downsizing their herd, and they have a bunch of trail horses coming in or already in. SIGH. I email her. Of COURSE I do! But I'm brutally honest, and tell her I'm timid, I've tried a couple of horses since Leah died, described Leah, and said if you couldn't confidently put a 5 year old on the horse, it wouldn't work for me. She emails back that she understands totally, and she thinks the horse I'm looking for may be right around the corner with one of these camp horses. SIGH.

I don't want a challenge. I want a willing partner that's got the personality of Leah. Not a horse that "needs a tune-up" or "with a little work will do what you want"... not one that "needs prodding" when asked to do something. Just one that will stand and fall asleep when I groom him/her, will tack up while standing still and not fussing, will walk off and TRUST ME, will offer no attitude when asked to do something. SIGH. Too much to ask? I just don't think it is. BUT, am I asking the right person? I have to say lots of prayers, and lay in wait for the answer. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

How will I know? Trusting, and listening.

And, we didn't.

Pep talk, pep talk. I'm good at talk. But what I am NOT good at is being a leader for a horse. What a roller coaster I've put myself on. As of this morning, I am horseless. Cheryl will come to pick Texas up from Tracy's sometime this week, and I will no longer have the responsibility that lurked over me for some time now. I can honestly say I feel good about it, though. This time, it wasn't as hard. Maybe I didn't give myself enough time to really get attached to him? I dunno. I do love him - he is a sweet horse. "It's not him, it's me." LOL! But I know I will see him all the time by Cheryl, so that makes it a million times easier, too. [SIGH] Well, now I'm going to focus on paying a few bills off, and in a year's time I should be VERY close to debt free. SO. That' the good news. :) That's all for now, folks!