An empty bucket, tears, and an empty heart.

This morning I went hunting for morel mushrooms over by my friend Cheryl's. I took a day of vacation because work seems to be bringing me down lately, and since mom is up north, I figured I could use a day of me-time. So this is my first time morel hunting. I went down the horse fenceline and into the woods. What a beautiful morning to be in the woods. No bugs, crisp but warm in the sun, and nature singing around me. I missed the woods, and was happy to be there. As I walked the trails, I remembered my sweet Leah, and how we rode through there a number of times, both by ourselves and with others. It was a very happy time in my life. I remember being cautious, but not terrified like I now feel. I don't understand what happened to me.

Then, as I came out of the woods with an empty bucket, I approached the site where Leah and Honey are buried. I realized I hadn't been there to "visit" since they were buried there - which will be two years in June. I was mad at myself, and burst into tears. I cried and told them how much I love them, how much I miss them, and how sorry I am for failing them - Leah more-so than Honey. I should have trusted her more. I didn't know what I had until it was gone. And I LOVED her. Truly LOVED her. I haven't felt that way about another horse. She was my angel. And I blew it. I cried and cried there for a long time. I cried all the way up the hill. Nicki stopped by to let Coupe out, and I was embarrassed that I was all puffy-eyed. I couldn't even contain it when I talked to her - I broke down again.

She reassured me that she's scared a lot of the time, too. She encouraged me just to do little bits. I'm going to keep going with that, and leasing Freckles. But until God puts that perfect horse in my lap, if he ever does, I'm not searching. I can't, and I won't. Sometimes I just want to give up, but then I know I DON'T want to give up. I drive myself crazy inside sometimes with wondering what to do. I need to remember to lay my worries at God's feet and let them go. AND, seriously, if this is ALL I have to worry about, I should be ashamed of myself. People are hurting and starving. And I am not one of those people, obviously.

So I will keep plugging on and do what I can do, and be happy with that. That's my goal.