Ask, and you shall receive the answer.

Hmmmm, ok. Since my last post, I rode Dusty once by myself with Jackie and Sue in the arena. We did good, but I did something dumb and thought I would pony Cocoa around the arena while riding Dusty. Bite off more than you can chew much, Charlotte? Um yeah. I ended up putting Cocoa in Dusty's stall, where he was harassed by the horse next to him and was frantically calling out for Kimi. That in itself made me stressed. So, I cut my ride on Dusty short to go get Cokes and walk him around the arena. That was fine, but I felt such a sense of disappointment in myself, and almost guilt for thinking I could not feel bad about spending time on Dusty while Cokes didn't get the attention. I left with a very confused heart. And I prayed and tried to be still and listen.

So it's Thanksgiving weekend and we always have off Thursday and Friday. So, I ask Ute if I can ride Dusty Friday morning with Jackie, and she says yes. I get there, say hello to Cocoa, Kimi, and Jackie, and head up to the A barn to get Dusty and tack him up. I see Michelle and ask her where Dusty is outside and she tells me, but then she says "Be careful walking him in and out... You know about his blindness issues, right?" Um, no. I didn't. I suspected he might have issues in the one eye because it's got cloudiness in it. But I guess he's totally blind in the left and about 75% in the right. I saw Annette and mentioned that I didn't know he was going blind, and she said it's a sensitive subject with Ute. Of course I know that blind horses can be ridden just fine, so I tacked up and we rode. It went pretty good - I know that I was hesitant. So, I just decided to untack and hang out with Jackie. Putting him back in pasture was hard because it was very bright, I was nervous with those stupid wire gates, and I he really couldn't see well, so he was nervous and sniffing. Well, I safely got him back and all was well. I went back and hung out with Jackie for a bit, and ended up riding Kimi! Not a huge fan of the English saddle, but we did it. :) I was able to stay soft with my hands and legs and keep her where I wanted her to be. I can totally tell what I've learned in my lessons!! That's a great feeling.

Jackie said she'd love for me to ride Kimi more. I would like that too. I asked her what she thought about me putting Cocoa's saddle on her and she said let's give it a try. So we took her saddle off and put mine up there, and it looks like it'll work! She said she'd love to make some play dates. :) I know she likes me to ride Kimi. She said it's fun to watch someone else ride her.

I'm not sure where this journey is taking me, but I think it's pretty clear that I'm supposed to be on it. I am getting better everyday at just being still and trying to listen to what God is telling me. He brings such great blessings in to my life, I just need to trust and believe.

Dream it out... why not!?

Let me preface by saying, Cocoa is not going anywhere. He may be lame, but I am doing whatever I can to keep him feeling good. But, I also know the chance of me being able to ride him again are slim. And, I'm going to be honest with myself now... I don't really want to ride him again. I have found the riding partner I have always been looking for in Dusty, the Haflinger at the barn. I've been riding him for about a month and a half now, and I am really getting along with him so well! Riding him is easy, and it's fun. I don't know why, but I do not get afraid when I'm riding him. Last Wednesday, we had a horse freak out and ram right in to us, and he reacted fantastically - meaning minimally. He did a little scoot and stopped when I asked him to. It was great - as great as being ran in to in an arena could be. I was tense afterward when I'd get around other horses, but more tense in worrying about what THEY might do than Dusty! He is fantastic, I think he likes me, and I know I like him. His ground manners with me are very good - much better than my initial impression of him. I know I can handle him. And, I'll say it. I want him. Not sure how to afford to buy him and afford to board and vet both him and Cocoa. Pray, and pray lots. It may not be what I'm supposed to do - I guess I'll just keep praying about it to find the answer. Oh, one more admission... there was a girl that boards at the barn tonight with a friend, who was going to ride Dusty. I. Was. Jealous. I wanted to snatch him from them and say NO! He's MY horse!!! God, help me please.

This is a post from early SEPTEMBER.

Well, the last few weeks have been interesting! I've had some good experiences, and some that made me question myself and my abilities... again. The common thing is that even though I've gone back and forth in my head with the whole "what am I doing? I'm not good enough to do this. I'll never get it, I'll never be not afraid."... I have NOT stopped and not given up. I've somehow been able to accept where I am, talk to Ute about it, and start from where I'm at. And THAT makes me glad. I love that she assures me that we should not go forward until we have a good, solid foundation. If I can't do well in a walk, how can I do well in a trot? So she has been really great in encouraging me and keeping me from trash-talking myself. Just tonight she commented on how huge of a step I've taken since we started together. That makes me feel so good.

Tonight my lesson was on Dusty, and that was for a few reasons. I had asked Ute about learning to canter on Dusty, and continue lessons on Cocoa. So I think tonight, riding Dusty, was a good confidence reinforcement for me. Cocoa and I left on not-such-a-good-note Sunday. He was being very Kimi-sour, and acting naughty because of it. I think we may need to separate them for a bit. Anyway, back to Dusty and my lesson. Ute put us on the lungeline and worked us in to a sitting trot, then progressed to a posting trot. Turns out, I've been posting wrong! I had the main idea, but I was most certainly doing it "the lazy way". Ute showed me the correct place to hold my legs, place my feet, and how to hang on. She kept urging me to post up higher, higher, higher. I finally did get it and it was pretty alright!

My poor little Cocoa-Bean.

Well, thank God we had the summer together, because in late September, Cocoa started to show lameness again in a trot. He seemed fine in a walk, so I continued lessons on him just at the walk. We did some basic laps, and then some walking between poles, with backing up exercises. We did really well together in those exercises, and I was really proud of us. :) He gave it his all. :) But I could tell each time I'd tack him up, he'd be a little more sour. He didn't want to stand still for grooming and saddling, and he started jerking his legs away from me when I'd pick his feet. Dr. Mary came out to do a dental and fall shots, so I had her do another lameness exam. It revealed that yes, in fact, more calcium was building up on his knee. It was very hard for him to hold that leg up while she examined it - I could just tell that he was hurting. He'd been trying to tell me that for awhile. He could hardly put his foot down when she was done examining that leg. So, we upped his dose of Previcox to one per day, and I am going to try a new supplement that the horse chiropractor recommended. While I absolutely hope and pray that it helps him feel better, I am feeling pretty sure that I'm not going to be able to ride him again. I think I'm just too much weight for him to handle. So, what I do is go and hang out with him, letting him be his silly self with me, groom him and walk him. He likes it when I come and spend time with him. :) He's such a good, silly boy. I stand at his stall door, talking to him and petting his pretty head, and he sniffs me and rubs his cheek against me. He'll also twitch his lip back and forth on my shoulder or my nose, which makes me giggle. Tonight he kissed my hand for awhile - it was really sweet. :)

Even though Cocoa is not sound for riding, I have continued taking lessons with Ute, riding Dusty 2, the Haflinger that she brought to the barn this summer. He is a very well mannered, well trained horse, and we are getting along swimmingly. :) He's not Cocoa, but he sure is easy for me to ride. He responds to me, and I'm not afraid of him. At all. At first I thought he was pushy on the ground, but the last couple times I've dealt with him, he's behaved pretty well. Tonight after I went to hang with Cokes, I went to say hello to D2. Ute is in Cali for several days, so I thought he might appreciate a visitor giving him a little bit of attention. I haltered him and took him in to the arena just for a short walk. He behaved really well, and seemed happy to have someone giving him attention. Since it's pretty much just me who ever reads this, I guess I can just say it - I really like him and I've liked him since the first time I saw him. SIGH. That's for another post.