Get rid of the pressure!

I went up by Tex and Brandi last night, with plans of just taking it easy w/Tex, and giving him his wormer. I took him up to the arena, where Tracy was working his pasturemate, Scout. We just hung out for a bit, and I worked on him staying out of my space, giving me his attention when I ask for it, and I taught him to lower his head!! Yeah! I'm not sure if it's the right thing, but for now I think I'm just going to take it slow with him. Take it as it comes, do what's comfortable for us, and push the comfort zone little by little. I'm not in a race, and the more I'm around him and less nervous, the better it will be when we start riding in spring. I'm feeling good about this, now that I've taken the pressure off of myself. :) Texas is a good boy, and I'm going to bring out his best. :)

[SIGH]

So many thoughts.... oh, so many thoughts. I'm thinking of Jen right now - Jen and Chip. He's a 6 year old horse that she trained herself. She claims she didn't know what she was doing, and that there were moments where she was scared. But I look at Chip now and he's the quietest, calmest, most gentle horse - huh, reminds me of Leah. Wow, revelation much?

OK, I gotta go right now. Too much!! TOOOOO MUUUUCCCHHHH!!!

Another bad decision?

Again, I'm at a crossroad. Feeling lukewarm about a lot of things. I participated in Tracy's clinic on Saturday, where I rode Texas in the a.m. We did pretty well with groundwork, though I'm finding that he gives me issues when haltering and unhaltering. What I need to do is stick with him and not be afraid I'm going to get hurt. Relax and stay with him, like the guy on Clinton Anderson yesterday with the horse and blanket. It'll come. We did OK riding, but I think he may be getting confused on the pull back for whoa and pulling back to soften. There were a few times where I was yanking, HARD, to get him to whoa. We need to work on that a lot. Maybe more on the whoa before I go trying to get him to soften up. Let's get one thing down before we try another.

Moments before lunch, he got really antsy on me. What I didn't realize is that I was leaning to one side on him, and he was just moving away from the pressure. I need to become more aware of what I am doing to him. I still need to relax more. I got really scared for a few moments, then I hopped off. My saddle is loose on him, very tippy. He's not as wide as he will be, and skinnier than I'm used to. I have to practice my balance so I don't feel like I'm going to fall off.

I decided to ride Brandi the second half, but dumb me, didn't change the bit from Tex's to her shank. She wasn't exactly terrible, but she wasn't great probably because of the bit being too big. So I went to change her bit, but as I was walking down to the barn decided I was done. I put everything away, and I left. I wrote a note to Tracy asking her to call me later, but she didn't. She might be upset with me for just leaving. I hope not - I just didn't want to face anyone again. Plus, it was almost time to quit anyway. By the time I would have gotten her bit changed, they would have been finishing up.

I don't know that a clinic was the smartest thing for me to do with a semi-green horse. We need to focus on specifics, not jump from one thing to the next.

I am contemplating the Clinton Anderson DVDs, wondering if it would be a smart investment or a waste of money. If only I knew I would do it right and they would work. Still praying for a sign, for an answer, for direction. And trying so hard to just trust and rest in that.

TOUGHEN UP, Cowgirl!!!!

What a nice lesson tonight!! Tracy helped me so much, and we did some talking which always helps me feel so much better. Should be no surprise that I need to enforce RESPECT. The sooner I do it, the less I'll have to enforce it and deal with it. :) He's such a good boy, he seems to respond pretty well when it's done right. I'm thankful I have Tracy to help me!

If God gives you the ability to dream it, he gives you the ability to achieve it.

Terrific news!! Brandi's foot is about back to normal! Last night I went to check on her, took her up to the arena to lunge her, and she was giving me what looked like little steps that pained her. I almost immediately stopped. Thankfully, Tracy was there riding Xena, and asked if I could send her around again so she could watch. Well, Brandi had my number and was being totally lazy. Tracy told me to ask her to pick it up. Pinned ears and all, she bean trotting without limps!! I knew she was too smart for my own good. :) So now we'll watch her for the next couple of days to make sure she's on the mend. In the meantime, I've asked Tracy if she will sell Brandi for me. I think it's a smart decision - for 20% commission, I basically don't have to do anything. It's convenient - Tracy is almost always at the farm, she knows Brandi as well as - if not better than - I do, she's a good judge of whether or not a person is a good match or not, and she's done this MANY times before and is comfortable with it. It just makes the most sense.

I also realized something about myself this morning while getting ready for work. I am a learner. I love learning things. I seek out opportunities to learn things. So why should horse-learning be any different? The sense of accomplishment is great when a new thing I learned works out. I learned so much with Brandi, and now I will learn even more with Texas. I found Clinton Anderson on RFDTV and have been DV-Ring him so I can learn from him how he teaches a horse new things. I love how the horses respect him. I'm going to strive for respect FIRST, reward SECOND. At least that's the plan for this moment. :)

And so it shall be...

OK, so I've calmed down about feeling like I'm kicking Brandi to the curb. I put together her video for her "for sale" ad, though I feel a little sad, I know God will only let her go to a good home if I continue to ask him for that blessing. Things happen for a reason, and I have to accept it and move on now with Texas. I realized while reading all of those things I wrote about giving it a shot with Brandi, I wrote because I was trying to convince myself that that was the right thing to do. That I would fail if I decided to go another route. It's time I get honest with myself. If Tracy didn't think Texas was good for me, she would have told me not to buy him. And I had/have a strong pull toward him since I first rode him, so I need to feed on that. I kind of felt like once he was actually mine, I was afraid to do anything with him. Where before, I could just put him back and he wasn't my responsibility. Once I get Brandi sold, I will have Tracy put 30 or maybe even 60 days on him. Just like Brandi, he is only going to get better with consistent work. Who says it has to be me that's doing all of the work? So if I just do lessons all winter, we will be THAT much better for the spring riding season! And there is nothing wrong with just doing lessons right now. That's what we both need.

And so it shall be.

He's only four years old!

Yes, he's only four years old, but he is really good for four years old! He has much to see and experience yet, but he handles new things so well!! Put that together with some love, respect, and rock-solid trust, and you'll have a partnership that no one on this earth can deny.

A different perspective

So this morning after reading my daily devotionals, I had some thoughts. Thoughts about why I am always so fearful of things, and tend to think the worst outcome of a situation rather than enjoying the moment I'm in. For instance, when I walk the horses up to the arena, I try to do it with confidence, but instead I think my adrenaline is running so high that I'm more anxious than I am confident. I know they can sense that. I want to show them that I'm a good leader, but I think instead I am giving them reason to think "well, what's all the excitement about?!" Probably not a good way to start our time together.

But then I started thinking about all of the times I had dumb courage, and all of the times God brought me through, white as a lamb. I did some really stupid things in the past, took some really risky chances and came through them OK. If I now sit and think of doing those things, I think they are probably things you'd see on 20/20 where the person didn't fair so well. So, if God brought me through those things unscathed, why would he let me fall so hard with my hobby of passion - horses? HE WOULDN'T. And THAT, my friend, is totally and completely what I need to remember. I will hopefully never do anything totally blind or careless like I have in the past, but I should not have so much reservation for the "could happens". Yeah, I could get bucked off and break an arm during a trail ride, but chances are, I'd have a peaceful and relaxing trail ride with no events or injuries.

I also don't need to get caught up in "how good of a rider" I can be. My main goal is to communicate well and be a partner with my horse. I may not be perfect, but if we get along and become as one, I will have reached my goal. I enjoy watching horse and rider connect, and I want to experience that. And the only way to do that is to practice, practice, practice, and learn, learn, learn!

If Leah wouldn't have died...

If Leah wouldn't have died, I wouldn't have had to buy a new horse; but I might have anyway. If Leah hadn't died, we might still be living at the old house with the horses there; or we might not. If Leah hadn't died, I may have still thought she was challenging; I wouldn't truly know that she was about the best of the best and that she never would have 'exploded' or hurt me. If Leah hadn't died, I might have gave up altogether and just hung it up, thinking I'd never learn or be good at riding. If Leah hadn't died, I would never have had the challenge of Brandi, and grew as much as I did because of it. If Leah hadn't died, I might never have gotten to know Tracy, Moriah and Kenzie as well as I have. If Leah hadn't died, I probably never would have met Texas. If Leah hadn't died, we might not have moved, and mom might still be living in that apartment, unhappy.

Ultimately, Leah died because it was God's will. And even though I don't understand it and it still pains me to think of how good I had it and how I wish I would have been able to give her better, I have to trust Him. If I lean on him in all that I do, he will lead my paths.

Who lets me make these decisions, anyway?

I just read all of my posts up to this point (and I haven't posted in a few weeks) and I am literally sick to my stomach. I gave up. I gave up on Brandi, and what we might have had. I bought a new horse, and I feel like I'm kicking her to the curb. I told myself it was ok, I'd find her a good new home. But now I don't believe that. I feel awful - just awful. She gave me so much and I just ditched her.

While Brandi has been out of commission because of her suspected abscess, I asked Tracy to give me lessons on this new horse she had at the barn that she was selling for her friend Donna. Texas. Has a mark the shape of Texas on his nose. Totally cute, and a nice, nice boy. How it all started... I asked Tracy what his story was, and she told me Donna got him on a trade, but she is strictly a halter show person and needed to sell him b/c she had too many horses already. Tracy and Moriah both rode him and really, really liked him. Said he's so mellow, and nothing bothers him. BUT, he's only 3 years old. Now in my short "horse life" I've witnessed some younger horses that act better than older ones! Hello, Bess? Yes, I mean you. :)

So I did some lessons on him. Fell pretty much in love with him. Quiet, sane, and very easy going. He responded so well to me, I just felt ultra-comfortable on him. I asked Tracy for her opinion whether she thought it would be a good or bad idea for me to have such a young horse. She said she thought of course he'd need some time training, but that he wouldn't give me problems like Brandi did. Well who wouldn't be excited about that!?!? A quiet horse that was sweet and wanted to be around me? Sign me up!

So three days ago, I made it official. I met Donna, and gave her a check for more money than I've ever spent on a horse. And I've had a few, in case you didn't know. :) Now I own him, and I'm super-excited to do a lesson on my new horse! We do one Monday, and I start out by tying him to the hitching post outside of the barn. He wants to put everything in his mouth, so I decide to "discourage" that behavior with the end of his lead rope... that's a leather switch... I must have hit a little too hard once, because he flipped up his head, realized he was tied, panicked and pulled away, trying to rear. He pulls free of the halter, and runs off. Kenzie and I try to catch him, but now I'm frazzled. SIGH. BIIIG SIGH. Because frazzled means afraid. When I tried to walk up to him, he shied away and ran from me. The dogs, barking and chasing him, got him even more upset and made him run away bucking. Great - now I thought for sure I ruined what was supposed to be a great relationship with my new horse. Why would he ever want to be by me again if I cause him stress? OK, so Kenzie ended up getting him in the pasture, then re-haltered him and I took him back down to finish brushing before our lesson.

I took him up to the arena, and like everything else in my life, I couldn't just "let it go". I had to be nervous yet. I had wanted to try out the Bob Marshall saddle that a lady was selling through Tracy - she put it on him and I felt like the stirrups were too long. Both Tracy and Moriah said they looked good, but I just didn't feel "right" in the saddle. So she changed it for me to the Billy Cook I'd been using. That was definitely better, but I was still having a hard time focusing and relaxing. WHY? Texas was behaving perfectly. I could not let go of that incident, even though I'm sure Texas had about a minute after it happened. Oh God PLEASE, help me over this!!!

So the rest of the lesson kind of went south for me. I felt like I was re-learning everything all over again. As I tried to remember which leg pushed in to go right or left, I felt like a total yutz. I don't know how Tracy can handle giving me lessons - I must drive her berserk. Then, I couldn't decide where a good spot was for the reins, while I was trying to remember to keep my elbows bent and my hands still. If I focused on not bumping his mouth, I goofed on the leg cues or he went wherever he wanted. If I tried to steer him with the legs, and get him in a trot at the same time, I lost all focus. It was like too much at once. But why? I had done it with Brandi. I guess it didn't happen overnight with her, either. He deserves my patience and my gentleness, and I have to remember that. But, then during my lesson, Moriah is riding Tazer so beautifully. Perfect lope, and I think geez, I probably will NEVER be even half as good as her. Not in a showing sense, but in a communication and partnership with my horse sense.

So then last night, I go up to see how Brandi's foot is. She limps even harder, which tells us that the abscess is probably working it's way down and hopefully out soon. I need to put her up for sale, but something is stopping me. But I HAVE to. She will be better with someone else who can ride her more and spend more time working with her without fear like I had/have. I keep telling myself that, anyway. But then I put her away, and saddle Tex with my saddle. I lightly tie him in the arena while I go do something... meanwhile he is nosing/mouthing the saddle pad I hung on the half wall. It falls in the wall, and he freaks. Pulls away like he did on Monday, and pulls the lead with him and trots off. This time, he's not running after the fact. He lets me walk up to him and re-lead him over there. OK, that's a good thing, but it still frazzles me a little.

I decide to not think about it, and to do some ground work. I want to move his face away from me, so I do what Tracy showed me to do with Brandi, tapping the stick on him and not stopping until he complies. Two problems, here. He wasn't moving his face so I felt like I was nagging him, and then he tried biting/eating the end of the whip! Um, ok. How do I fix THAT?! I'm sure Tracy will have an answer for me. It was just a little frustrating that I couldn't figure it out on my own - like all things that I can't figure out on my own. Then I tried to lunge him. But everytime I tried to keep his nose pointed the right direction and got his hind-end to move, he'd turn in to me and then I couldn't ask him to move because he'd run me over! I tried to do the whip thing to my side so he respected my space, but ended up being a clutz and scaring him. Needless to say the last two days didn't go so swell. BUT, I am NOT giving up!!

Without tests, you cannot have testimony. God did not make me with the spirit of fear - I must remember the enemy is working against me and only when I rest in God's promise will I be safe from him. God wants me to try, and try again - be relentless, and NEVER give up. Though I am moving on from Brandi, ... I just can't even finish that sentence right now. WHAT am I going to do?