Another bad decision?

Again, I'm at a crossroad. Feeling lukewarm about a lot of things. I participated in Tracy's clinic on Saturday, where I rode Texas in the a.m. We did pretty well with groundwork, though I'm finding that he gives me issues when haltering and unhaltering. What I need to do is stick with him and not be afraid I'm going to get hurt. Relax and stay with him, like the guy on Clinton Anderson yesterday with the horse and blanket. It'll come. We did OK riding, but I think he may be getting confused on the pull back for whoa and pulling back to soften. There were a few times where I was yanking, HARD, to get him to whoa. We need to work on that a lot. Maybe more on the whoa before I go trying to get him to soften up. Let's get one thing down before we try another.

Moments before lunch, he got really antsy on me. What I didn't realize is that I was leaning to one side on him, and he was just moving away from the pressure. I need to become more aware of what I am doing to him. I still need to relax more. I got really scared for a few moments, then I hopped off. My saddle is loose on him, very tippy. He's not as wide as he will be, and skinnier than I'm used to. I have to practice my balance so I don't feel like I'm going to fall off.

I decided to ride Brandi the second half, but dumb me, didn't change the bit from Tex's to her shank. She wasn't exactly terrible, but she wasn't great probably because of the bit being too big. So I went to change her bit, but as I was walking down to the barn decided I was done. I put everything away, and I left. I wrote a note to Tracy asking her to call me later, but she didn't. She might be upset with me for just leaving. I hope not - I just didn't want to face anyone again. Plus, it was almost time to quit anyway. By the time I would have gotten her bit changed, they would have been finishing up.

I don't know that a clinic was the smartest thing for me to do with a semi-green horse. We need to focus on specifics, not jump from one thing to the next.

I am contemplating the Clinton Anderson DVDs, wondering if it would be a smart investment or a waste of money. If only I knew I would do it right and they would work. Still praying for a sign, for an answer, for direction. And trying so hard to just trust and rest in that.