I just read all of my posts up to this point (and I haven't posted in a few weeks) and I am literally sick to my stomach. I gave up. I gave up on Brandi, and what we might have had. I bought a new horse, and I feel like I'm kicking her to the curb. I told myself it was ok, I'd find her a good new home. But now I don't believe that. I feel awful - just awful. She gave me so much and I just ditched her.
While Brandi has been out of commission because of her suspected abscess, I asked Tracy to give me lessons on this new horse she had at the barn that she was selling for her friend Donna. Texas. Has a mark the shape of Texas on his nose. Totally cute, and a nice, nice boy. How it all started... I asked Tracy what his story was, and she told me Donna got him on a trade, but she is strictly a halter show person and needed to sell him b/c she had too many horses already. Tracy and Moriah both rode him and really, really liked him. Said he's so mellow, and nothing bothers him. BUT, he's only 3 years old. Now in my short "horse life" I've witnessed some younger horses that act better than older ones! Hello, Bess? Yes, I mean you. :)
So I did some lessons on him. Fell pretty much in love with him. Quiet, sane, and very easy going. He responded so well to me, I just felt ultra-comfortable on him. I asked Tracy for her opinion whether she thought it would be a good or bad idea for me to have such a young horse. She said she thought of course he'd need some time training, but that he wouldn't give me problems like Brandi did. Well who wouldn't be excited about that!?!? A quiet horse that was sweet and wanted to be around me? Sign me up!
So three days ago, I made it official. I met Donna, and gave her a check for more money than I've ever spent on a horse. And I've had a few, in case you didn't know. :) Now I own him, and I'm super-excited to do a lesson on my new horse! We do one Monday, and I start out by tying him to the hitching post outside of the barn. He wants to put everything in his mouth, so I decide to "discourage" that behavior with the end of his lead rope... that's a leather switch... I must have hit a little too hard once, because he flipped up his head, realized he was tied, panicked and pulled away, trying to rear. He pulls free of the halter, and runs off. Kenzie and I try to catch him, but now I'm frazzled. SIGH. BIIIG SIGH. Because frazzled means afraid. When I tried to walk up to him, he shied away and ran from me. The dogs, barking and chasing him, got him even more upset and made him run away bucking. Great - now I thought for sure I ruined what was supposed to be a great relationship with my new horse. Why would he ever want to be by me again if I cause him stress? OK, so Kenzie ended up getting him in the pasture, then re-haltered him and I took him back down to finish brushing before our lesson.
I took him up to the arena, and like everything else in my life, I couldn't just "let it go". I had to be nervous yet. I had wanted to try out the Bob Marshall saddle that a lady was selling through Tracy - she put it on him and I felt like the stirrups were too long. Both Tracy and Moriah said they looked good, but I just didn't feel "right" in the saddle. So she changed it for me to the Billy Cook I'd been using. That was definitely better, but I was still having a hard time focusing and relaxing. WHY? Texas was behaving perfectly. I could not let go of that incident, even though I'm sure Texas had about a minute after it happened. Oh God PLEASE, help me over this!!!
So the rest of the lesson kind of went south for me. I felt like I was re-learning everything all over again. As I tried to remember which leg pushed in to go right or left, I felt like a total yutz. I don't know how Tracy can handle giving me lessons - I must drive her berserk. Then, I couldn't decide where a good spot was for the reins, while I was trying to remember to keep my elbows bent and my hands still. If I focused on not bumping his mouth, I goofed on the leg cues or he went wherever he wanted. If I tried to steer him with the legs, and get him in a trot at the same time, I lost all focus. It was like too much at once. But why? I had done it with Brandi. I guess it didn't happen overnight with her, either. He deserves my patience and my gentleness, and I have to remember that. But, then during my lesson, Moriah is riding Tazer so beautifully. Perfect lope, and I think geez, I probably will NEVER be even half as good as her. Not in a showing sense, but in a communication and partnership with my horse sense.
So then last night, I go up to see how Brandi's foot is. She limps even harder, which tells us that the abscess is probably working it's way down and hopefully out soon. I need to put her up for sale, but something is stopping me. But I HAVE to. She will be better with someone else who can ride her more and spend more time working with her without fear like I had/have. I keep telling myself that, anyway. But then I put her away, and saddle Tex with my saddle. I lightly tie him in the arena while I go do something... meanwhile he is nosing/mouthing the saddle pad I hung on the half wall. It falls in the wall, and he freaks. Pulls away like he did on Monday, and pulls the lead with him and trots off. This time, he's not running after the fact. He lets me walk up to him and re-lead him over there. OK, that's a good thing, but it still frazzles me a little.
I decide to not think about it, and to do some ground work. I want to move his face away from me, so I do what Tracy showed me to do with Brandi, tapping the stick on him and not stopping until he complies. Two problems, here. He wasn't moving his face so I felt like I was nagging him, and then he tried biting/eating the end of the whip! Um, ok. How do I fix THAT?! I'm sure Tracy will have an answer for me. It was just a little frustrating that I couldn't figure it out on my own - like all things that I can't figure out on my own. Then I tried to lunge him. But everytime I tried to keep his nose pointed the right direction and got his hind-end to move, he'd turn in to me and then I couldn't ask him to move because he'd run me over! I tried to do the whip thing to my side so he respected my space, but ended up being a clutz and scaring him. Needless to say the last two days didn't go so swell. BUT, I am NOT giving up!!
Without tests, you cannot have testimony. God did not make me with the spirit of fear - I must remember the enemy is working against me and only when I rest in God's promise will I be safe from him. God wants me to try, and try again - be relentless, and NEVER give up. Though I am moving on from Brandi, ... I just can't even finish that sentence right now. WHAT am I going to do?
No comments:
Post a Comment